Fr Vsevolod… can you save me from tofu and bean sprouts? Do you have tuna fish… straight from the can? Come on… ain’t I cute? PLEEZ?
The Commandments of Post-Christian Paganism
It’s time to be honest. Today, many Christian circles (in fact) believe in post-Christian paganism. Alright, why shouldn’t we formulate its creed? It can be even proclaimed solemnly at the Porto Alegre Assembly (at least by the Western European delegates), just to mark the final victory over the darkness of fundamentalism!
First of all, the Ten Commandments:
- I am the Basically Unknown Supreme Being (some stupid people were calling me God, and, even, Father; sorry for that). I tell you, people… believe in me, in anyone else, or just in anything. It all doesn’t matter!
- Still, don’t worship the terrible idols of racism, sexism, ageism, religionism, nationalism, and capitalism. Liberalism and Marxism are allowed to a certain extent.
- Don’t pronounce the name of your Lord in an exclusivist way.
- Celebrate Saturdays with the Jews and Fridays with the Muslims. Go to the beach on Sundays. Don’t work on all these days to show solidarity with those who are pressed to work.
- Respect the founding mothers and fathers of Democracy and Enlightenment. They have made all people happy forever, even if some of you are stupid enough to disagree with that.
- Don’t kill (if you aren’t a member of a liberation movement).
- Steal only from the rich.
- Rape and sexual harassment are forbidden. Paedophilia, too (until 2030). All other sexual behaviour isn’t subject to these commandments.
- Don’t say anything that isn’t politically correct, for Big Democratic Brother is watching you.
- Don’t wish anything which is not in line with pluralism and tolerance. Don’t bother Big Brother; control your thoughts from within.
And, of course, the Beatitudes:
- Blessed are the poor, for they can criticise the rich.
- Blessed are the tolerant, for they will inherit the Earth.
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after social justice, for they will be never fed up with it.
- Blessed are the pacifists, for they’re well guarded by armies.
- Blessed are the outspoken, for the final judgment will always be in their hands.
- Blessed are the freedom fighters, for they’re always right.
- Blessed are those who struggle with the darkness of the past, for they don’t care what will be said about them in future.
- Blessed are the oppressed for whatever reason, for theirs is the Kingdom of the Media.
- Blessed are you when you play the victim, for that brings you victory.
- Rejoice and be glad, all of you, for your gain is guaranteed in this world!
14 November 2006
Deputy Head of the MP Department of External Church Relations