Shocking Move by Putin: Russia Bans Meryl Streep Movies

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Effective immediately, in a sweeping act of official censorship, the Russian government banned all Meryl Streep movies from the country. On Monday night, government agents took moviegoers at Moscow’s Kinoteatr 16 movieplex aback they when stormed the projection booth and seized a copy of Florence Foster Jenkins, the 2016 Streep film that was unspooling. However, the full force of the ban didn’t come until Tuesday morning, when the MVD ordered police to go door to door, confiscating Streep DVDs from Russian citizens. Vasili Dmitryevich, who lives in St Petersburg, said:

They terrified me. They broke down my door. My wife was screaming. They wouldn’t leave until I handed over Mamma Mia!

In an appearance on state television, President Putin offered no reason for the ban, other than to say that Streep was “overrated”.

10 January 2017

Andy Borowitz

Borowitz Report

The New Yorker

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/russia-bans-meryl-streep-movies

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Sanders Shamelessly Pandering to Voters Who Want to Hear Truth… WARNING! SATIRE Ahead…

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Critics of the Vermont senator say that presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is gaining legions of new admirers by shamelessly pandering to voters who want to hear the truth. According to those critics, Sanders cynically targeted so-called “truth-based voters” to build support for his Presidential bid. Political strategist Harland Dorrinson said, “People come to Sanders’s rallies expecting to hear the truth, and he serves it up to them on a silver platter. It’s a very calculated gimmick”. However, even if Sanders’s practise of relentlessly telling the truth plays well in states that are rich in truth-based voters, like the early primary states of Iowa and New Hampshire, critics say that his campaign could stall in states where the truth has historically been less important, like Florida. Dorrinson said, “At some point in this campaign, voters are going to get truth fatigue. Right now, the novelty of a politician who doesn’t constantly spew lies is grabbing headlines, but after months of Bernie Sanders telling the truth, voters are going to start wondering, Is that all he’s got?” Dorrinson is just one of many critics who eagerly wait for the Sanders phenomenon to come down to Earth. He noted, “Telling the truth may be working for Bernie Sanders, but it shows a serious lack of respect for the American political system”.

13 August 2015

Andy Borowitz

New Yorker

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/sanders-shamelessly-pandering-to-voters-who-want-to-hear-truth

“I Say, It’s a Joke, Son” Department… Cruz’s Constant References to Jesus Drives Millions to Atheism

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Atheist leaders report that Republican Presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s constant references to Jesus Christ in his speeches and campaign ads are sparking a strong interest in atheism among millions of Americans. Since Senator Cruz (R-TX) announced his candidacy two weeks ago with the words “God isn’t done with America yet”, Carol Foyler, the executive director of the American Society of Atheists said that a substantial number of Americans “have begun seriously questioning the existence of God. It’s been amazing. We’re getting calls from people who’re curious about atheism for the first time in their lives. When we ask them what got them thinking about it, they all say the same thing, ‘I just heard Ted Cruz talk’ ”. Foyler said that her group often notices a surge in atheism after natural disasters or other traumatic events that rattle people’s faith, but she added, “We’ve never seen anything like Ted Cruz”. After Cruz aired an Easter weekend campaign ad in which he spoke of the transformative power of Christ, Foyler said, “Our phones were ringing off the hook. As an atheist, I naturally don’t believe in the power of Christ to transform people, but I definitely believe in the power of Ted Cruz to transform people into atheists”. Richard Dawkins, evolutionary biologist and outspoken atheist, said that Cruz’s ability to convert millions to atheism was “nothing short of extraordinary.  Ted Cruz created more atheists in two weeks than I have in decades”.

6 April 2015

Andy Borowitz

Borowitz Report

New Yorker

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/cruzs-constant-references-to-jesus-drive-millions-to-atheism

Borowitz Report… Americans Favour Legalising Pot and Criminalising Congress

Friends don’t let friends run for Congress…

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One Toke Over the Line, a classic by Brewer and Shipley

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One toke over the line, Sweet Jesus…

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Cheech n’ Chong with the classic Acapulco Gold

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This is why no decent person trusts the US Congress…

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I Got Stoned and I Missed It… Shel Silverstein’s mouldy oldy…

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I shared a cone with Santa…

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According to a poll released on Thursday, by a huge majority, Americans support laws legalising marijuana and criminalising Congress. While the poll reflects a relaxation of attitudes about recreational pot use, it also suggests that many Americans now view membership in Congress as a problem ravaging the nation. Harland Dorrinson, an activist who spent years mobilising support for criminalising Congress, said, “This poll reinforces what many of us have been saying for a long time… Congress destroys lives. I’ve seen productive members of society get involved with Congress and completely lose the will to work. They just sit there, totally numb, and out of touch with reality”. He noted that the once prevalent view that membership in Congress was “harmless” is now being discredited. He said, “If you look at what happens to someone’s brain after ten, twenty, or even thirty years in Congress, it’s devastating. There’s severe impairment”. Additionally, he warned that Congress is a “gateway elective office” that leads many to try running for President.

27 February 2015

Andy Borowitz

The New Yorker

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/americans-favor-legalizing-pot-and-criminalizing-congress