Voices from Russia

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

America Has No Problems

There are NO problems in America!


Editor’s Foreword:

This is played for laughs, VERY tongue-in-cheek, which means it’s a total hoot. Rightwingers would repeat it, thinking that Mr Kalder (a Scotsman) is praising the USA. There are many ways to deflate an opponent… Kalder’s method is clever and subtle. Mr Kalder skewers his target whilst appearing to praise them. Hat tip…



Problems, problems, everybody has problems. Look at Russia right now. Those protesters… they’ve got problems. If they don’t get prior permission for their rallies, they’ll now face fines of thousands of dollars. The opposition leaders have problems… the police raided their apartments, seized all their hi-tech gear, and “investigations are continuing”. Pussy Riot has problems. Ksenia Sobchak has problems… jeez… so many problems. Elsewhere it’s worse. Look at Egypt, where the Supreme Constitutional Court just dissolved parliament ahead of presidential elections between two decidedly unlovely candidates… its complete chaos; nobody knows what’s coming next… no wonder the folks are hopping mad! Then, there’s Europe, where the currency is about to slip down the drain. What about Libya, Syria, and Mali? The list goes on and on.

Thank goodness, I live in America, where we have no problems. You doubt me? Why, just look at a few recent news stories and you’ll be obliged to kneel before my Truth. Firstly, have you heard that in New Jersey the authorities just mandated seatbelts for cats and dogs? Oh, yes, my friends. If you don’t buckle up your beast, you get a fine of 250 to 1,000 dollars (8,160 to 32,640 Roubles. 200 to 800 Euros. 160 to 640 UK Pounds) for your callousness and disregard for public safety. That’s right… no longer will Fido be able to ride shotgun, fur flying in the breeze. See what I mean? Would the wise legislators of New Jersey be concerned about the seating arrangements of cats in trucks if they had serious issues, like homelessness, unemployment, or crime to think about? I don’t think so. Then, there’s the pleasant town of Middleborough in Massachusetts, where residents recently voted to approve a proposal from the local police chief to impose a 20 dollar (653 Roubles. 16 Euros. 12.75 UK Pounds) fine for public profanity. That’s right, life in Middleborough is so good that the sound of a teenager saying $#@! or &^%$#! is a big deal. Just try and imagine what kind of utopia the town must be. Oh, wait… you can’t, because you’ve so many problems. However, life is bliss, friends, and soon… with the disappearance of salty language from the streets… it’ll be perfection.

All right, I hear you cry, but what about John Travolta? He’s American and he’s got problems! This is true. Recently, the married Look Who’s Talking star faced accusations of pestering male masseurs for sex, and he was hit with sexual battery claims. This week, meanwhile, the National Enquirer reported that, in the 1980s, Travolta had an affair with his personal pilot, a man named Doug Gotterba. This could cause problems for Travolta in Hollywood, where producers have yet to green-light a film in which the action hero is gay. Compounding the actor’s woes, the Enquirer reports that Travolta’s lover objected to his fat, hairy body. On the other hand, the fact that anybody bothers to report this, and that I spent several minutes of my life reading about it, proves that in America we have no serious problems.

Which brings me to the Ku Klux Klan… you may have heard that a branch of the racist organisation wants to “adopt” a stretch of highway in Georgia, for which they would receive a little plaque thanking them for cleaning up the road. I’ll concede that this is a problem. Racists still exist. On the other hand, we can see improvement. Once upon a time, the KKK terrorised and murdered blacks, and people with links to the KKK infested the Democratic Party at the highest level. For instance, Hugo Black, Roosevelt’s first appointment to the Supreme Court joined the Klan in the 1920s, President Harry Truman was an ex-Klansman, and onetime Exalted Cyclops Robert Byrd… who filibustered the Civil Rights Act for 14 straight hours in 1964… only died in 2010. In 2008, however, the Democratic Party nominated a black man for president, and he subsequently won. KKK membership today consists largely of morons, sometimes married to their cousins, who meekly ask the state for permission to pick up litter on the highway. As it is, Georgia turned them down. America’s making great progress.

Lastly, you may have heard that America has a few economic problems. Nevertheless, this is a myth. How do I know this? Well, the president’s been spending a lot of time with his celebrity friends lately. In June alone, he attended at least six parties and dinners, where he rubbed shoulders with the likes of Mariah Carey, Julia Roberts, and the lady with the long face from Sex and the City. He even gave Jon Bon Jovi a ride on Air Force One! Now, cynics might say he only wants their money, but I know better. The president enjoys downtime with friends, like the rest of us. It’s just that he has richer and more beautiful friends! Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts, my friends. Good luck with your problems. We don’t have any.

15 June 2012

Daniel Kalder




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